


A look into the mind of Dan Howell

by Ri_Stark



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotional Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:16:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21706603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ri_Stark/pseuds/Ri_Stark
Summary: A look into the dark void of Dan's head and the light that is Phil Lester
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Kudos: 13





	A look into the mind of Dan Howell

**Author's Note:**

> This one-shot contains mentions of self-harm so please read with caution if this may upset or trigger you.

Dan wasn't sure when it started happening, he'd been this way for as long as he could remember.  
There was just this numbness inside of him, this dark never ending void. It was like he'd been hollowed out inside.

What is the point?  
Why did he exist?  
Why was he like this?

He fucked up big time in year 10, he had let his sleeve slip down in P.E and the teacher had seen. Seen the scars on his wrists. Seen what a mess he really was.  
The school had phoned his mum and she had held him and cried and apologized over and over again but Dan still felt nothing.  
After that came the mental health team, and therapy and medication. Dan had gone along with everything to keep his family happy but there was nothing they could do. Nothing was going to change how he felt.  
No amount of medication was going to change what a pathetic, fucked up mess he was.

But then there was Phil and suddenly, there was a light. Suddenly he felt other things than the aching numbness.   
It's not like the movies where love comes along and suddenly life is perfect and everything is sunshine and rainbows.  
Love doesn't fix anything.   
But Phil, Phil was a breath of fresh air. He was able to connect with someone in a way he he never could before and he was in love before he understood what was happening. Letting Phil in was the biggest leap of faith he had ever taken and it was definitely the best thing he had ever done.

But Dan was still broken. 

  
He tried to hold himself together for Phil and Phil tried the best he could to but sometimes you just can't keep hold of all the pieces. 

It was hard to feel numb when Phil was around. There was too much to feel. He made Dan feel calm and free for the first time in a long time, maybe the first time ever. Which is why it was so easy to go crashing back to that place as soon as something is wrong. It was like the bubble Dan was in burst and suddenly everything could get to him again.

  
Phil had found him one night after an argument sat in the bathroom of their shared flat in Manchester with a blade in his hand and several fresh cuts on his arm. Dan was terrified Phil was just going to walk back out and never come back but Phil had helped clean up his arm and had held him, told him how much he loved him.  
After that Dan had thrown his blades away. He had done it a couple of times in the past and told himself that 'enough is enough' but had always fallen back into the habit. But Dan knew that that had to be it, he couldn't see it being the end of his habit but he knew it had to be, it wasn't fair on Phil. Phil didn't deserve to go through that again.

Dan was okay.  
He thinks.  
Sometimes he still feels that itch come back. That need to hurt himself. The feeling that he wanted to die. But most of the time he was better, the black hole in his chest wasn't there as often and on days where he started falling into the void Phil was there to hold him and help him through it.

Dan would be okay.   
Because his life wasn't just his any more. It was Phil's to. 


End file.
